June 23, 2017

earlier today, i buried my father.

one day, i will start with the story i know i must write, what i see when i close my eyes these last few days. 

but that will have to wait.

for now, it’s about saying goodbye. i can’t candycoat adult stuff. it is what it is.also it’s about gratitude towards everyone who helped. and how i would have bumbled through had not for the assistance of a few cherished people. i bumbled through, anyway.

it’s about how i forgot the words to the lord’s prayer and how you flailed to cling to faith in your last days.

it’s about how many years ago you appeared at my door, seeking answers for why his son started to drift from his home. it’s about how i had not let you in that day, and about how i finally did last sunday – but you harbored no more questions. we found peace, didn’t we?

it’s about how you were man then 1134 degrees celsius later you were earth. it’s about how i saw your bones glow like coals and i mused myself by thinking i knew you had it in you.

i see glowing coals when i close my eyes.

it’s about how we were so alike – the mannerisms of my fingers, why i sing all the time, our cursed short tempers.
i will write you that story one day and though i haven’t started, i already know its ending.

two point seventy five kilograms. that’s what’s left of you. and as i carried you to where you shall stay until we join you, i couldn’t stop thinking how i could’ve tried harder, how i could’ve been stronger.

you weren’t heavy.

goodbye ‘til our Father says it’s time.



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